Painting: "The Wedding at Cana" by Paolo Veronese (1563)
‘Conformity’ and ‘Competitiveness’ are the two traits that are inherent to every human being. We conform so that we are not left out by the society. We compete so that we can get to the top of it. Both traits have their own merits for the society as well as for the individuals. But have you ever thought who creates the boundaries for this ‘Conformity’ and who designs the rules of this ‘Competition’? The answer is but obvious – The Society itself. Society is an organic entity. It grows at the cost of ‘Competition’ and sustains with the help of ‘Conformity’. We mere mortals just act as the feeders to this society.
These two traits are fundamental to every existing system of the society. Let us discuss about one of such systems which stands on the limbs of ‘Conformity’ and ‘Competition’. The system that we are talking about is the system of Marriage. The institution of marriage is sui generis. The above-mentioned traits are deeply ingrained into it.
First, let us talk about conformity. Marriage is all about conformity. Study of evolution suggests that we human beings are inherently polygamous in nature. But marriage conforms us into the idea of monogamy. Do you know why? Because monogamous relationship provides stability whereas polygamy creates chaos which is a threat to the sustenance of the society. Therefore, the individuals who remain true to themselves and decide to stay outside the system of marriage are often ostracized by the society. Whereas the individuals who sacrifice their inherent polygamous nature and bind themselves to the idea of monogamy are blessed by the society. But due to the greed of these blessings if an individual starts giving into the society the society sucks more out of it. He or she is thrown into the dark pit of conformity.
The dark pit which forces an individual to select a life partner from a particular religion, caste, race, age, and occupational group. It asks individuals to get married on a particular auspicious date depending on the position of various extra-terrestrial bodies which are far away from it. They are forced to follow certain blind rituals that doesn’t make any sense or satisfies any logic. The individuals are asked to wear a particular set of attire which must be of some specific color. Its very hard to say why colors like red and yellow are auspicious and why white and black are not. More to it, on the day of the marriage the bride and the groom are expected to talk and behave in a particular manner as if they are in the fairy tale of Ramayana depicting the characters of Lord Rama and Goddess Sita.
This conformity is not only confined to the day of marriage. Once it hits an individual it hits hard and that too for a lifetime. The individual cannot break it, nor it can deviate from it. And if he does, he will be ostracised by the society. This is the sole reason behind many unhappy marriages continuing at the cost of individual freedom.
Now let us talk about the trait of ‘Competition’. Competition exists in every part of marriage. From the part of choosing a life partner till the point of selecting a honeymoon spot, competition exists. Individuals are forced to choose the costliest invitation card available in the market to invite the people they don’t like. They are expected to invite hundreds of guests no matter if they have a good relationship with these people or not. The individuals compete to wear costliest clothes and finest jewellery as if they are kings and queens of some unknown fancy land only to replace them with half pants and slippers the very next day depicting their true selves. They are expected to book the finest venue available in the city and to serve more than fifty items in the menu list out of which half of the food will get wasted. They spend huge amount of money on flowers, lighting, and crackers for making the special day grandiose and that too to set a standard and to impress the people they don’t like. The individuals do whatever they can to satisfy their ego by beating others in this competition. Some of them also pay hefty dowries to the family of the groom so that they can brag about it and prove their immense love for their beautiful daughters.
Does any of the above make any sense to you? Some people argue that these are personal choices. But are the individuals really free to choose? What I personally believe is that they are not, and it really hurts. And do you know where does it hurt? It hurts the people those who don’t want to get married. It hurts the people who are not able to find a suitable partner because of some reason or the other. It hurts the couple who are enduring a difficult marriage. It hurts the parents who lack adequate resources to marry their child in so called ideal manner. And it really hurts the individuals who attend pompous wedding of their near and dear ones but are unable to imitate the same due to some personal difficulties.
Just imagine a middle-class man who has just retired from his service and is planning for the marriage of one of his daughters. The amount of expenditure he is willing to undertake based on these ideals of ‘Conformity’ and ‘Competition’ is a huge one. It will erode all his hard-earned savings leaving a meager amount for his old age insecurities. And after the so-called big day, the man sobs silently deep within his heart, and no one is there to listen. Not even his daughter. Do you think this is justified?
Marriage is a very beautiful institution. It must not support itself on the limbs of ‘Conformity’ and ‘Competition’. It must be built on the strong pillars of ‘Love’ and ‘Loyalty’. It’s not just the union of two souls but also a very personal affair which must be kept personal as far as possible. The society must limit itself only to bless the two loving souls.
People say that Marriages are made in Heaven. But do heavens really exist? Do think about it.
Until Next Time,
Ashutosh
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